Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back - Comedy 2001 English
Bobby boy, stay here while Mammy picks up the free cheese, OK?
This'll keep the sun out of your eyes.
You be good, now.
All right, don't you fucking move, you little shit machine.
Momma's gonna try to score.
What the hell?
Excuse me. Who's watching these babies?
Uh, the fat one's watching the little one.
Oh, nice parenting.
Leave them out here like that and see what happens.
Yo, fuck you, you fucking square!
Aw, keep on truckin'.
Did you hear that fucking guy
telling me how to fucking raise you?
Mother-fucker, man.
Who does he fucking think he is?
What's the worst fucking thing that could happen to you
standing in front of a fucking store, right?
Fuck!
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Mother, mother-fuck, mother, mother-fuck, fuck.
Mother-fuck, mother-fuck, noise, noise, noise
1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4
Noise, noise, noise.
Smokin' weed, smokin' wizz.
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers.
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers.
Rollin' fattys, smokin' blunts.
Who smokes the blunts, we smoke the blunts.
Rollin' blunts and smokin'
Uh, let me get a nickel bag.
Fifteen bucks, little man.
Put that shit in my hand.
If that money doesn't show.
Then you owe me, owe me, owe.
My jungle love, yeah.
Owe-ee, owe-ee, owe
I think I want to know ta, know ta.
Yeah, what?
What the hell are you singing?
You don't know "Jungle Love"?
That shit is the mad notes
written by God herself
and handed down to the greatest band in the world
the mother-fucking Time!
You mean the guys in that Prince movie?
Yeah, "Purple Rain".
That shit was so gay fucking eighties style.
Hey!
Don't never say an unkind word about the Time.
Me and Silent Bob modelled our whole fucking lives
around Morris Day and Jerome.
I'm a smooth pimp who loves the pussy
and Tubby here's my black manservant.
What?
What'd I tell you two
about dealing in front of the store?
Now drop the kid and peddle your wares
some-place else, burn boy.
And for the record, the Time sucked ass.
Yo, you guys wanna hear something fucked up
about him and that Quick Stop boy?
Are you even supposed to be here today?
Don't get me started.
Hey, can't we do something
about those two stoners hanging around
outside the store all the time?
Why? What'd they do now?
I'm trying to watch "Clash of the Titans"
and all I can hear is those two
screaming about Morris Day at the top of their lungs.
I thought the fat one didn't really talk that much.
What, am I producing an A&E biography about them?
Uh, two packs of wraps.
Yo, how was the service?
What service?
The one at the Unitarian Church last week
where you two got married to each other.
What the hell are you talking about?
Jay said you guys had a "Star Wars" theme wedding
and you tied the knot dressed like Storm-troopers.
And he says you're the bitch, and you're the butch.
I'm the bitch?
Well, if we were gay, that's the way I'd see it.
Will you shut up?
Holy shit, dude.
The honeymoon's over.
Oh, that does it.
I am going to do something about these two stoner fucks
I should have done a long time ago.
Whoa!
What the fuck, Serpico? What'd we do?
We got a report of two guys
hanging around outside a store selling pot.
We don't smoke pot, yo.
No pot, huh? What do you use this for?
What? I have a wiping problem.
I stick those little pieces of paper
up my brown eye and bam!
No shit stains in my undies.
What, you don't believe me? Let me show you.
Check this shit out. Spread my cheeks
so that he can see the fucking stink nuggets.
Pull up your fucking pants, sir Now!
Let's go. Let's go.
We're going down to the station.
What, is it a fucking crime to fart? Mother-fucker!
No fucking way.
Dante and Randall slapped you with a restraining order?
Ain't that about a bitch?
So, are you going to abide by the court's ruling
or are you going to go "Bandit", Reynolds style?
The judge said if we go within a hundred feet
of the stores, we get thrown into County.
You know what they make you do in County?
Toss the salad.
I guess if you guys really wanted
to hang out in front of a convenience store
you could just buy your own now,
what with all that money you guys made.
Hell, yeah, bitch.
Wait a sec. What money?
The money from the "Blunt man and Chronic" movie.
Oh, my God. Don't tell me you have no idea
there's a movie being made
of the comic you two were the basis for.
What? Since when?
Here's the pulse, all right?
And this is your finger.
Far from the pulse, jammed straight up your ass.
Say, would you like a chocolate-covered pretzel?
You see, kids, if you read "Wizard",
you'd know that it's the top story this month.
Check it out.
When the fuck did this happen?
Well, after "X-Men" hit at the box office
all the studios started buying up
every comic property they could get
their dirty little hands on.
Mir amax optioned "Blunt man and Chronic".
Mir amax? I thought they only made classy pictures
like "The Piano" or "The Crying Game".
Yeah, well, once they made "She's All That",
everything went to hell.
So you're saying you haven't gotten a monetary cut
of the movie?
Didn't Holden McNeil and Banky Edwards
used to pay you likeness rights for the comic book?
We haven't seen a fucking dime for no movie.
Well, boys, I'm no lawyer, but I think Holden and Banky
owe you some of that proverbial phat cash.
If I was you guys, I would find Holden McNeil
and ask for my movie check.
Shit, yeah. We got to get paid.
And on that note, we cue the music.
Well.
Look at these morose mother fuckers right here.
Smells like somebody shit in their cereal.
Bung! Ha ha ha!
That was good. Come on in.
So, what brings you two dirt merchants
to my neck of the woods?
I'll tell you what our necks are doing in your woods.
Where's our mother-fucking movie check?
You heard about that, huh? I got nothing to do with it.
That's Banky's deal. He owns the property now.
I sold my half of the "Blunt man and Chronic" rights
to him years ago.
Why the fuck would you do a thing like that?
Why in God's name would I wanna keep writing
about characters whose central preoccupation
is weed, and dick and fart jokes?
I mean, you got to grow, man.
Don't you ever want anything more for yourself?
I know this poor hapless son of a bitch does.
I look into his sorry doe eyes
and I just I see a man crying out.
He's crying out, "When, Lord?"
"When the fuck can your servant"
"ditch this foul-mouthed little chucklehead"
"to whom I am a constant victim of his folly"
"so much so that it prevents him"
"from ever getting to kiss a girl?"
"Fuck! When, Lord, when?"
"When's gonna be my time?"
He knows.
I'm the chucklehead? You're the fucking dumb-ass
who gave your comic away, and now you don't get
no fucking movie check, neither.
When you're right, you're right.
I wish I held onto a little piece of that thing
because if the buzz is any indicator,
that movie's going to make some huge bank.
What buzz?
The Internet buzz.
What the fuck is the Internet?
The Internet is a communications tool
used the world over, where people can come together
to bitch about movies and share pornography with one another.
Here's what we're looking for Moviepoopshoot.com.
Poop shoot. Yeah.
This is a site populated by militant movie buffs
sad, pathetic little bastards
living in their parents' basement
downloading scripts
and what they think is inside information
about movies and actors they claim to despise
yet can't stop discussing.
OK, this is about "Blunt man and Chronic" right here.
"Inside sources tell me."
"Mir amax is starting production this Friday"
"on their adaptation of underground comic fave."
"Blunt man and Chronic".
Friday? Shit, does it say who's fucking playing us
in the movie?
No, but it's Mir amax
so I'm sure it'll be Ben Affleck and Matt Damon.
You know, they put them in a bunch of movies.
Who?
You know, those kids from "Good Will Hunting".
You mean that fucking movie with Mork from Ork in it?
Yeah, I wasn't a big fan, either
but Affleck was the bomb in "Phantoms".
Word, bitch. "Phantoms" like a mother-fucker.
What's up now?
Ahem. All right.
So, here we go. Now, this is the shoot-back section.
This is where the people who read the news
get to chime in with their two cents.
For example, we got a guy here
with the chick magnet net handle "Wompa One"
opining on what he thinks about "Blunt man and Chronic".
He says, "Blunt man and Chronic and their stupid alter egos".
"Jay and Silent Bob only work in small doses, if at all."
"They don't deserve their own movie."
He's got a point. Fuck him.
What's the next one say?
This is entitled "Fuck Them Up Their Stupid Asses".
"Blunt man and Chronic is the worst comic I ever read."
"Jay and Silent Bob are stupid characters,"
"a couple of stoners who spout dumb-ass catch phrases,"
"like a third-rate Cheech and Chong"
"or Bill and Ted."
"Fuck Jay and Silent Bob."
"Fuck them up their stupid asses."
Who the fuck said that shit?
A guy who calls himself "Magnolia Fan".
All right, here, check this one out.
"Jay and Silent Bob are one-note jokes"
"that only stoners laugh at."
"They're fucking clown shoes."
"If they were real, I'd beat the shit out of them"
"for being so stupid."
"I, for one, will be boycotting this movie."
"Who's with me?"
Then there's, like, fifty more posts
of people who are joining Spartacus's here boycott.
I'm gonna kill all these fucks.
Let it go, man. They're not talking about you guys.
They're talking about "Blunt man and Chronic".
They said Jay and Silent Bob. They used our real names.
It doesn't matter if there's a comic book version of us
and a real version,
because no one knows we're real in real life.
Really?
All these people reading that shit
think the real Jay and Silent Bob
are a couple jerkoffs
because of what all these dick-heads are writing
about the comic book Jay and Silent Bob.
Maybe one night me and Lunch Box are out
we're makin' some chick and shit, and she's, like.
"Ooh, I wanna suck youse guys' dicks off"
and she's, like, "What's your names?"
And I'm, like, "Jay and Silent Bob".
Recognize.
And she's like, "Oh, I've read on the Internet"
"that fuckin' youse guys"
"are a couple of little fuckin' jerkoffs".
And then she goes and sucks two other guys' dicks off instead.
Well, fuck that. We gotta put a stop
to these fuckin' hateful sons of bitches
before they ruin our good names.
First of all, I don't know how good your names are.
Second of all, there's not much you can do
about stopping this bile.
The Internet has given everyone in America a voice
and evidently, everyone in America has chosen
to use that voice to bitch about movies.
As long as there's a "Blunt man and Chronic" movie,
the net nerds are gonna have something negative
to say about it.
Well, wait a second.
If there wasn't a "Blunt man and Chronic" movie,
then those fuckers wouldn't be saying shit
about Jay and Silent Bob, right?
They're not saying anything about you now, OK?
They're talking about fictional characters.
Fic-tio-nal cha-rac-ters.
Am I am I getting through to you at all?
So all we gotta do is go stop
the fuckin' movie from gettin' made.
Yeah, and forego the hundreds of thousands of dollars
that you two would be entitled to in the process.
What are you, fucking retarded?
I don't think I'm alone in the world
in imagining this flick may be the worst idea
since Greedo shooting first.
You know, it a Jay and Silent Bob movie?
Who would pay to see that?
But, since it appears inevitable,
I recommend that you guys go hunt Banky down
and get yo' mother-fuckin' movie check
as you so succinctly put it
'cause that's what's important, right?
Um, no, Holden McNeil.
The important thing here is a fuckin' bunch
of mother fuckers we don't even know
callin' us ass holes on the Internet,
to teenagers and guys who can't even get laid.
Puttin' a stop to that is the most important thing
we could ever do.
So when's this movie gettin' made?
Uh, they start this Friday.
So if today's Tuesday, that gives us.
Eight days.
Uh, three by my count, but close.
Right.
My bad.
Three days to stop that fuckin' stupid movie
from gettin' made. Come on, Silent Bob.
We're goin' to Hollywood.
Tickets?
Since when did they start charging for the bus?
Didn't we used to ride that shit
to school every morning for free?
This sucks balls, man.
How come we ain't gettin' no rides?
'Cause you're doing it all wrong.
You gotta give the driver a little incentive.
Like how?
Like this.
Yeah, but what happens when they pick you up
and you don't make with the head?
Don't they kick your ass to the curb?
Sure, if you don't make with the head.
Yeah. Hey, if it'll get me
a couple of hundred miles across the country
I'll take a shot in the mouth.
Yeah, but we ain't gay.
Don't be so suburban. It's the new millennium.
Gay, straight it's all the same now.
There are no more lines.
Well, there's a line, and on this side of it, we ain't gay.
Hey, all the hitchers do this.
Why do you think people pick us up?
If you get a ride, it's expected.
I don't care who the driver is.
It's the first rule in 'the book'.
What book?
The unwritten 'book of the road'.
Follow the rules of 'the book'
and you get where you're going in no time.
Excuse me.
I don't care if it rains or freezes.
You both don't have to sit back there.
Why doesn't one of you come sit next to me?
Where are you boys from?
New Jersey, but we're on our way to Hollywood.
Oh, Hollywood, huh? That's a long way away.
Yeah. Thank God you picked us up.
Well, do unto others. That's what 'the Book' says.
Wait a sec. You follow 'the book', too?
I live my life by it.
You?
Of course. So
you live by 'the Book', too?
Well, you picked us up, didn't you?
I gotta.
Well, that's good to hear.
But it's a lot easier to say that you live by 'the Book'
than to actually do it.
Can you do it?
All right.
I can't believe this shit.
Five hours and not a single ride.
Every day people hitch to Hollywood
to stop studios from making films about 'em,
but when you and me try it
it's like we're trapped in a fuckin' cartoon.
Zoinks, yo.
Now we can finally solve the mystery
of the hitch hiking ghouls.
Pull off their masks and let's see who they really are.
I don't think they are masks.
And I don't think
that they're hitch hiking girls, either.
Ghouls, you fuckin' moron, not girls.
I wish they were hitch hiking girls
sexy hitch hiking girls.
Let's kick 'em out.
We've got a mystery to solve.
The only mystery here is why we take our cues
from a dick in a neckerchief.
Keep it up, beatnik.
I'll feed you to the fuckin' dog!
I can't take all of this fighting!
Yo!
Youse guys need to turn those frowns upside down.
And I got just the thing for that.
We call it.
Doobie Snacks.
"I like to dream."
"Yes, yes."
"Right between the sound machine."
"On a cloud of sight I drift in the night."
"Any place it goes is right, Goes far."
"To the stars away from here, well."
Ri, Ray and Rirent Rob.
"We can find."
I think they passed out. Great.
What do we do with them now?
Let's cut out their kidneys and sell it to the black market
and leave 'em in a seedy motel bathtub full of ice.
Aaah!
No, no, no!
You see something? See anything?
Fuck, man, I had a horrible dream.
Yo, man, I'm hungry. Where can we get some breakfast?
Who's a friend to the king of all the monkeys.
Yeah.
Ooh, check that shit out, man, the Internet.
Let's see if those fucks wrote something new
about us and that stupid-ass flick.
"Any movie based on Jay and Silent Bob
"are gonna lick balls
"because they both, in fact, lick balls".
Mother-fucker.
It's time we wrote something back.
Type this shit down.
All you mother fuckers are gonna pay.
You all are the ones who are the ball-lickers.
We're gonna fuck your mothers while you watch
and cry like little whiny bitches.
Once we get to Hollywood and find those Mir amax fucks
who is makin' the movie
we're gonna make them eat our shit
then shit out our shit
and then eat their shit that's made up of our shit
that we made 'em eat.
And then all you mother-fucks are next.
Love, Jay and Silent Bob.
That'll show those fucks.
Now we can eat our Egg-a-Mooby Muffin
then get back on the road
go to Hollywood, and stop those fucks
from makin' that movie.
No more hairy-bush nuns, no more dogs.
We keep our eye on the prize and let nothing
and I mean nothing, distract us.
Holy shit!
"Your love is like bad medicine."
"Bad medicine is what I need."
"Whoa oh oh, shake it up."
"Just like bad medicine."
"There ain't no doctor that can cure my disease."
"Bad medicine."
"I ain't got a fever."
"Got a permanent disease."
"It'll take more than a doctor."
"To prescribe a remedy"
"I got all the symptoms, count 'em, 1, 2, 3."
"First I need."
"That's what you get for falling in love."
"You get a little, but it's never enough."
"On your knees."
"That's what you get for falling in love."
Oh, my God.
Do you get free refills with that?
Oh, what, this?
No, I use this for protection, you know
so no guys try to grab my shit or anything.
Ha ha! Hi, I'm Justice.
And I am so fuckin' yours.
I mean, hi. I'm Jay
and this is my hetero life mate Silent Bob.
It's nice to meet you.
Justice, huh?
That's a nice name.
Jay and Justice.
Sittin' in a tree.
FU-C-K-I-N-G
So, you come around here often?
Oh, I'm not from around here.
My friends and I are on a road trip.
Your friends, huh? Where they at?
Oh. Let's see.
Out there by that van.
"Inconceivable, unbelievable."
"Grammar like a hammer, information receivable."
"Sent by the Lord, here and abroad."
"With words that were thought they could retort."
"For force because that makes run the boss."
"So get lost because I just tossed the poss."
"Make way today, and if I may, I say"
"I make pay with Jay, so get away, OK?"
Hi.
Dude, I think I just filled the cup.
Ladies, ladies, ladies.
Jay and Silent Bob are in the hiz-house.
Who the fuck are these guys?
This is Jay and Silent Bob.
Guys, this is Sissy.
Missy, and Chrissy. Here.
Where the fuck did they come from?
I met 'em inside. They're gonna hitch a ride.
Yeah, I don't know if that's such a good idea, Jussy.
Sure it is, Juggs.
Oh, my God.
He just called Sissy "Juggs".
I'm on it. Chrissy, no.
We're in the middle of suburbia, Chrissy.
Let's try and act like it.
What's with the knife? We having cake or something?
Shit. He's retarded to boot.
Yo, she called you retarded.
What is wrong with you, Justice?
You do remember where we're going, don't you?
And we have a job to do?
They're just gonna tag along for a few miles.
They won't get in the way, I swear.
I swear, I don't know what's going on
in your fuckin' brain lately.
Please?
Look, fine. They can ride with us
but they are so out of here before we get to Boulder.
Honest Injun. Honest Injun.
Shut up.
God, I can't believe what a pushover you are.
I can't believe fine-ass bitches like yourself eat that shit.
Don't you know fast food makes girls fart?
Hey, what's all this talk about farting?
Hi, Brent.
This is Brent.
He's with us, too.
Brent, tell these sillies that girls don't fart.
Oh, of course they don't. Only skeevy stoners fart.
What up, homies?
Wow. Three guys, four girls. What's the count, boys?
Let's rock.
Hey, Mr. Science Guy.
Don't spray that aerosol in my eye.
For I do.
For I
I don't really wanna die
I'm a noble rabbit.
What are you guys, like a cover band or something?
We're the Kansas State chapter of SAAC.
Students Against Animal Cruelty.
And we're on our way to Colorado
to give Provasik a piece of our minds.
Whoo! Yeah! Whoo hoo!
What the fuck are you bitches babbling about?
Hey!
Watch the language, little boy.
There's females present. Huh.
Provasik Pharmaceuticals
is a medical lab where they perform
gross experiments on animals.
What kind of animals are we talkin' about here?
Bears, rhinos, and shit?
No, more like dogs, cats, rabbits, muskrats, beavers.
Heck, even monkeys.
If we don't speak up for them, who will?
Right, Jussy?
Right, Brent.
Uh, Brent, can I talk to you over here for a second?
Yeah, sure.
Be honest, yo, you're down with this
for the fine-ass pussy, right?
I'm down with this because I love animals, stupid.
Even sheep?
Of course.
Sheep are beautiful creatures.
They are beautiful, aren't they?
Oh, God, yes.
So that means you'd fuck a sheep, right?
What is your damage, little boy?
You got a sick and twisted world perspective.
No, you're misunderstanding me, Prince Valiant.
I mean, if you were another sheep
would you fuck a sheep if you were another sheep?
Oh. Since you put it that way, you bet your ass I would.
Thought so.
Yo, this mother-fucker ain't one of us!
He said he'd fuck a sheep!
Wait! No!
Aaah! Unhh!
Now who's stupid, you dirty sheep fucker!
"I can't believe life's so complex."
What the fuck are we gonna do now?
Shut up, I'm thinking.
Is Hollywood near where we're going?
Is that where you guys are from?
Yeah, right. Jersey represent.
Oh.
A Jersey boy.
Well, what brings you all the way out here?
We couldn't hang around the Quick Stop no more
'cause of the restraining order
which sucks ass 'cause it's been like
mine and Silent Bob's home since we were kids.
Silent Bob even busted his cherry there.
You did?
Oh, I bet she was a lucky girl.
Look, fuck that fat fuck.
I'm trying to tell a story here.
Oh. Sorry.
Anyway, we were talking to Brodie
and he told us about the "Blunt man and Chronic" movie.
So we went to see Holden McNeil
and he showed us the Internet. And that's where we found
all these little fuckin' jerkoffs
talkin' shit about us.
So we decided to go to Hollywood
and stop the movie from gettin' made.
And now we're here.
I have no idea what you just said.
I get that a lot. So you like animals, huh?
Sure.
That's cool. Even snakes?
Well, you can't exclude an animal
just 'cause they're not cuddly.
Of course I like snakes.
How 'bout trouser snakes?
Ooh. What's a trouser snake?
Uh.
What the fuck are you waiting for?
She went for the setup.
Reach in your pants and pull your cock out, bitch.
Girls like that kind of shit.
Right about here's
where the angel's supposed to show up
and tell you not to pull your dick out
but we bitch-slapped that mother-fucker
and sent him packing, so it's smooth sailing.
Let him rip, boy.
Jesus loves the little children.
Oh, sorry I'm late.
So what's the deal here?
Oh, shit. Don't tell me you're
thinkin' of whippin' your dick out
at this fine piece of woman, are you?
Tell you what. Look over at Silent Bob
and see if he thinks it's a good idea
you whip your dick out.
That's it, boy. Put the dick down.
You gotta go from the heart, yo.
No little perv bullshit's gonna work for this one.
Be smooth.
Be Don Juan de la Nooch.
I gotta go beat the shit outta
two sucker-punchin' little bitches.
Remember, don't pull your dick out until she asks
or until she's sleepin'.
Bye.
Don't ask.
So what can a smooth pimp daddy like myself
do to help the animals?
Oh, you really don't want to help us.
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
Sure I do. I'd do anything for you.
I mean youse guys.
I'd do anything for youse guys
'cause for the lift and shit.
OK, well, um
let me just talk to the other girls
and get back to you.
Why don't you do that? I'll be right here waitin'.
Fuck you, fatty.
Thank you.
Whew.
Uh, you guys want anything from inside?
No, we're cool. No? OK.
Just isn't the same, is it?
This place licks balls compared to the Quick Stop.
Speakin' of lickin' balls, man, how 'bout that Justice chick?
She is too fine.
And she smells so fuckin' pretty.
She has a nice voice, too.
And that body
fuckin' smokin'.
You know, she didn't tell me to fuck off once
when I was talkin' to her,
or pull out the fuckin' pepper spray or anything.
You know, Lunch Box, she could be the one.
Smooth move, Justice.
Nice going, four eyes. Ow!
Why the fuck did you let that little stoner
throw Brent out of the van?
Oh, please. If I had to listen
to one more of those stupid songs
I was gonna throw him out myself.
We needed Brent, Justice. He was our patsy, remember?
We'll just find someone else.
Besides, I didn't see you trying
to stop Jay from throwing him out.
Yeah, I didn't want to blow our cover.
Cover, schmover. You all hated his songs, too.
Not as much as I hate you.
We have a very simple gang here, Justice.
I'm the brains, Chrissy's the brawn
and Missy's the tech girl
but lately, I'm having a little trouble
figuring out what you're doing here.
Shit, your name doesn't even fit the rhyme scheme.
Since you let our patsy slip away, you've gotta convince
the little kid and the fat guy to take his place.
They've gotta break into Provasik now.
Uh-uh.
Uh-huh. You'll do it or you're out of the gang, Justice.
Just use the little one's crush on you to convince him
since he's so fucking in love with you.
Jay? No, he's not.
What am I, blind?
He wasn't kissing your hand in the back of the van
like he was fucking Lord Byron?
Well, maybe he just has manners.
Yo, baby, you ever have your ass hole licked
by a fat man in an overcoat?
Yeah.
We got about two hours before we get to Boulder.
That'll give you plenty of time to work on him.
I'm not gonna do it. Why the fuck not?
Because he's just so innocent!
Look at him.
Who's it gonna be, Jussy, him or us?
Steal a monkey? Shit, no problem.
It's not stealing a monkey. I mean, it's liberating it.
Wait a second.
Did you say "no problem"?
Yeah. Fuck, we steal monkeys all the time.
Right, Lunch Box?
Well, it's not like it's a bad thing.
I mean, it's for a good cause.
Oh, it's for the best cause, ma Cherie the cause of love.
Snoogans.
What the heck is that? What's what?
Snoogans, I believe it was.
What the fuck do you think it means?
It means I'm kidding. Oh. Well, that's too bad.
I can't believe I'm gonna get some pussy.
For stealing the monkey.
Stealing the little monk.
If I had known that shit earlier
man, I'd have been stealin' monkeys
since I was, like, seven and shit.
Don't, mother-fucker. Don't you ruin this for me.
Me and Justice are gonna get married one day
so don't be giving me no look like, "Oh
"we ain't gonna steal the monkey and shit".
I'm Morris Day, you're Jerome, bitch.
Don't forget that.
That girl that girl's in love with me.
They're gonna do it.
Good. They do their part, and we'll do ours.
Oh, hey, remember. We meet back here when you're done.
You sure you're OK with this?
As sure as I am that you're the hottest bitch I ever seen.
Fucker! Easy, tigress.
What's twistin' this bitch's tit?
Maybe it's because women don't like to be called bitches, Jay.
They don't?
How 'bout "fine piece of ass"?
How about not?
What the fuck am I supposed to call you, then?
Something sweet, you big goof.
Something nice.
Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?
OK, that's a start.
Jay, uh, before you go
could you say something into the camera about the clitoris?
Man, you're such a bitch!
Shut up, Justice. She's just a little embarrassed.
See, Jussy and I are putting together this documentary
for our human sexuality class
and we need a male perspective on the clitoris.
The female clitoris?
Uh, yeah.
Jay, you know, you don't have to do this.
No, it's cool, hon.
There's a few things I could say about the clit
I'd like you to hear.
I am the master of the clit!
Remember this fucking face!
Wherever you see clit, you'll see this fucking face.
I make that shit work!
No one rules the clit like me.
Not this little fuck
none of you little fucks out there.
I am the clit commander!
When it comes down to business
this is what I do I pinch it like this.
Ooh, you little fuck.
Then I rub my nose.
Awesome. Knock 'em dead, tiger.
Oh, I will. Girls.
So, you think I could get a little kiss for good luck?
Think I can get a little blow job for good luck?
No. Go.
Fuck.
Get off my Kool-Aid, mother-fucker!
Jussy, come on.
They in?
You could say that.
Time to shine. Let's go.
You are so gay.
All right, once we get upstairs
I want complete silence.
Missy whipped this up. It counts our decibel level.
If it goes into the red alarm, we're dead.
So that means not even the slightest noise. You got that?
I got it. Good.
Meow.
Justice, move your ass!
Whoa.
Check this shit out, Lunch Box animal tranquillizer.
This shit fucks you up like Percocet.
Hold this.
Keep this shit, so later me and Justice
can shoot each other with it and fuck like stoned test bunnies.
Unh, unh.
Bong!
Suzanne.
Boo-ta.
Ah.
Holy fuck! The little stoner was right!
Jesus.
Move, move, move!
Move ass!
I can't believe it. Months of planning
and it's all blown by a fucking fart.
You can't just leave 'em here like this.
That alarm's gonna bring the cops here any minute.
That's always been the plan, Justice.
They take the heat off of us long enough
until we can get out of town.
But.
Kaboom, you little stoner fucks.
Let's go! It's set!
Whoo! Ow!
All right!
What the fuck you lookin' at?
There ain't no snacks here, man.
Now, we got what we came for. Let's get the fuck out of here.
Yeah, I know it's sad, man
but what are we supposed to do about it?
Yo, just open the door!
Oh, shit.
Drop the bag! Now!
No.
Justice.
Justice!
You mind if I leave that there?
Is that.
My, oh, my, oh, my.
Who let the cats out, huh?
Wait. Is that.
Excuse me.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshal.
This investigation's now under my jurisdiction.
Oh, really? And why is that?
Because someone let a whole mess of animals
out of their cages, sir.
We believe that was just a diversionary tactic
used to call attention away from the real heist
over here at the Diamond Exchange.
Yeah, right. That's a believable scenario.
Sounds more like something out of a bad movie.
Sir
the Provasik people say they rounded up
all their animals except for one an orangutan.
The most dangerous animal known to man.
Sir, this was just delivered to the station.
What is what is it what is it?
A tape of the terrorists who claim responsibility
for the break-in.
Do you have a VCR?
"I am the clit commander."
Oh, my God.
Plaschke, Willenholly.
Yeah, look, I need you to get me on the national news pronto.
Why? Because we may very well be dealing
with the two most dangerous men on the planet.
This is Jussy's monkey.
Justice died for you, you little monkey fuck!
Do something, Tons of Fun.
Holy fuck.
Is that thing waving at us?
Holy shit, it understood us.
Maybe it's some kind of super monkey.
You're my fuckin' bitch.
You get my back.
Don't be taking this fuckin' chimp's side.
What if there's more super monkeys up at that lab?
Maybe they're making an army of 'em up there.
Holy shit!
Maybe it's a conspiracy, like in the "X-Files".
Roswell-style.
This little monkey
could be the fuckin' damn dirty ape
responsible for the fall of the human race.
Aaah!
In this world gone mad, we won't spank the monkey
the monkey will spank us.
I'm not even supposed to be here today.
Aaah!
And after the fall of man
these monkey fucks will start wearing our clothes
and rebuilding the world in their image.
Oh, when only those as super-smart as me
will be left alive to bitterly cry
you maniacs!
Damn youse!
God damn youse all to hell!
Shit. Not on my watch, mother-fucker.
Die, you super monkey fuck! Aah!
All right, you can live for now.
Did you see that shit, man? Bitches love me.
Come on, let's get something to eat.
What, man, we ain't hiding in the woods no more.
We gotta get to Hollywood.
Besides, we're in the clear, yo.
It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey.
Bitch.
I'm Reg Hartner with an exclusive "News Now" bulletin.
The Provasik animal-testing facility in Boulder
was the focus of an attack by a terroristic
primate rescue syndicate calling themselves
the Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree-dwellers
or simply C.L.I.T.
In a videotape sent to authorities this morning
credit for the liberation of an orangutan
from the lab last night is taken by these men
identified in literature that accompanied the tape
as Jay and Silent Bob.
In this chilling clip, they make it very clear
that they are in control of the C.L.I.T.
We are the C.L.I. T. None of you are safe.
Now tremble before the might of our merciless leader.
I am the C.L.I.T. commander!
Terrifying.
Now here to help us explain this footage
is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly.
Marshal Willenholly, thanks for joining us.
At this point, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T.?
From the intelligence we've been gathering
we've discovered that the C.L.I.T
is actually a tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.
Uh, the Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement?
Exactly.
Now, the two men that you saw in the video
they go by the obvious code names of Jay and Silent Bob.
If anyone out there should come across them
or any other C.L.I.T.ies, please exercise extreme caution.
See? Told you that restraining order was a good idea.
What response do you hope to elicit
by putting this kind of pressure on the C.L.I.T.?
It's a difficult situation.
You don't want to rub the C.L.I.T. the wrong way.
Nights like this
I miss dating a lesbian.
Is that your cell phone, sir?
Plaschke. Give me a friggin' break.
I'm on my way. We've got 'em.
They're in Utah. Citizens of Utah
stimulation of the C.L.I.T. is not recommended.
Well, your plan worked.
The news is all about Jay, Bob, and your C.L.I. T
with almost no mention of the diamond heist.
I told you those two were the perfect patsies.
Don't you have any regret?
Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet.
The only thing I regret is not gutting
that little trout-mouth prick like a fish
and playing twister with his vitals. Mmm!
You know, I don't get you, Justice.
You used to be all about this girl stuff
stealing, boning, blowing shit up
and now you're like this little priss with a conscience.
It's really a fucking drag.
We all gotta grow up sometime.
Oh, ifmoping around over some boy
you're crushing on is growing up
then pass me my Wonder Woman Underoos. Ow!
Yo, Marvellous Pizza coming thr hey!
Hi.
You the gals that ordered the pizza?
This dopey bitch ordered a large plain
but I could go for some hot thick Sicilian.
No charge, lady.
Hurry!
I'm sorry, Jay.
You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey
so maybe we should keep it around.
That way, we can honour her memory.
Now ain't you glad we came here to eat?
And you were all piss-scared
we'd get busted by the cops or something.
You know what I say.
Fuck the police.
Fuck, fuck, fuck the police.
Yo, yo, fuck the police.
Fuck, fuck, fuck the police.
Yo, fuck 'em.
This is the Utah State Police.
Boys, we know you're in there.
Come on out with your hands in the air
and surrender the orangutan.
Think they're talking about us?
Sorry.
Don't shoot.
Hold your fire.
Who the hell are you?
Federal Wildlife Marshal. Is the monkey in there?
The ape. What?
Orangutan's a member of the great ape family.
It's not a monkey.
Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here?
Me or you?
That's what I thought. Can I use your
Jay and Silent Bob.
Your C.L.I.T. doesn't stand a chance.
Anyone not harbouring
a fugitive monkey in there should hit the deck.
We are going to open fire.
What the fuck are you waiting for?
Get out there and give him the monkey.
Look, man, fuckin' maybe it ain't so bad up at that lab.
Maybe they experiment on 'em by making 'em
fuck a bunch of different good-lookin' monkeys.
We don't know.
You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp.
Fuck, man, I'm no strategist.
You're the guy who makes the blueprints.
I don't have the fuckin' smarts of a little
kid.
Do not shoot!
Don't shoot!
We're just, uh, trying to take our son
out of this hostile environment.
Their son?
Maybe they're one of those gay couples.
Yeah, we're gay
and this is our adopted love child.
We're not from around here.
Don't make us go back to our liberal city home
with tales of prejudice and bigotry
from in the heart of Utah.
Oh, God, this is the last thing I need
a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their mouths off
to the liberal media
that the Federal Wildlife Marshal office persecutes gays.
Are you fuckin' crazy? Now, they may be gay
but that's not their son. That's the ape.
I think I would recognize an ape if I saw one, OK?
And the only thing I do recognize right now
is the political fiasco here that I'm about to avoid
by letting this butt-fucking Brady Bunch go.
Ahh.
You are free to leave, sirs.
Yes, you sirs.
So we can just go? Yes, sir.
Please accept my apologies
for detaining you and your unorthodox
but constitutionally protected family unit.
Un-fuckin'believable.
I might add that's one fine-looking boy
you're raising there.
Hell, yeah. That's 'cause he's from my sperm.
See, I knocked up this hot woman friend of ours
who I fuck on the side
so I'm not to be all the way gay.
He loves the cock.
Well, he certainly looks insatiable.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Well, it's not my way, but I'll be damned
if there doesn't go one happy family.
All right, gang.
Let's just shoot some tear gas into the diner,
and then, when the guys come out with the monkey.
Fuck beans! That was them, wasn't it?
Shit, I said you love the cock.
I gotta be the craftiest mother-fucker alive.
Flee, fat ass, flee!
Head for the sewer!
Stage dive!
Ohh!
You fat fuck.
Fire a warning shot into his bulbous ass.
Suck it in! Think thin! Think thin!
One rectal breach comin' up.
Suck it in!
Incoming!
Just like Winnie the Pooh.
That was just an incredibly daring escape.
All right, here's the deal. You and your men stay up here.
When I corner him, I'll call for backup.
I'm counting on you, Sheriff.
You've taught me so much.
Ow. Ow. Ow!
Fuck this ass hole.
Let's go back to the station house
and cornhole us a drunk.
Yeah. Let's go.
The whole fuckin' world's against us, dude
I swear to God!
Put the monkey down and your hands up!
Let's do, misters! You wanna get shot?
I didn't think so.
Look, man, she doesn't wanna go back to the lab.
And for the record, I ain't gay.
And for the record, while we're on the subject
I knew that that wasn't a real little boy.
For one more record, he loves the cock.
On your knees, Texas Pete. Let's go!
See, man? He's lined us up like fuckin' circus seals.
Well, I'm goin' first.
I don't want no mouthful of monkey spit
if I gotta blow this fuckin' G-man.
What are you talking about?
Look, no one's gonna get blown.
Dude! Whoa!
Shit!
Wow!
These guys are good.
Very good.
Yaaah!
Hey, law dog!
Hey!
See you in hell, cock-smoker!
Oh, fuck me!
Aah!
Hey! Get the fuck off her!
That's my ex-girlfriend's monkey!
Hey!
That monkey don't belong to you!
Man, who the fuck just steals a monkey?
Oh, yeah.
Well, this fuckin' blows, man.
We have one more day to stop these fucks
from shooting this movie
and they fuckin' took the one thing I had left
from the one woman I loved enough
not to stick my hand down her pants.
What, go after the monkey?
How the fuck do we know where that car's going?
Don't just point like.
Wh you gotta take a shit.
No, no, no, you gotta take a salad.
What the fuck are you trying to say?
Just say it, man. Don't make me ask twenty questions.
You could always tell that stupid Amy story all the time
but you can't spit out fuckin', "Yo, Jay, I disagree"
or "Yo, those are some good cheese fries".
Just fuckin' say it already!
The sign on the back of the car
said "Critters of Hollywood," you dumb fuck!
Say it, don't spray it.
And might I add
that is one fine-looking boy you are raising.
Well
if it isn't the wildlife expert.
Heh.
Your office faxed this over.
Now, the guy said it was a post from an Internet chat board
signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob".
"All you mother fuckers are gonna pay."
"You are the ones who are ball-lickers."
"Gonna fuck your mothers while you watch"
"and cry like little bitches. Once we get to Hollywood, we."
They're going to Hollywood.
"You see me driving down the street."
"I look so fucking good."
What? It's not like cheating. Justice blew up.
All right, here's the plan. First we find out
where they're shooting this movie
and after we bust that shit up
we can start lookin' for the monkey.
But before we do any of that shit
we gotta find a mother-fucker in the know
someone like the mayor of Hollywood.
Crack? Want some crack?
Get you high?
No, man, but you want some weed?
You on the job?
Yeah, boy!
Jersey Local 404.
Ho, ho, man!
Pumpkin Escobar, Los Angeles Local 305.
Oh, shit! What up?
Aw, man, it's a small world!
Hey, lemme ask you a question.
You dudes gettin' on medical out there in Jersey yet?
Shit, no. We might have to strike in September.
Aw, man. "Norma Rae" like a mother-fucker, huh?
Yo, maybe you can help us out. You know where
they're shootin' a movie around here?
You askin' me a question like that
in Holly weird, man? You got to come
a little bit more specific than that.
It's a Mir amax flick. We gotta bust it up,
so people stop callin' us names on the Internet,
even though they're not really talkin' about us,
but characters based on us.
And at the same time, find my ex-girlfriend,
who was killed in a car explosion's monkey.
Man, I don't know what the fuck you just said
little kid, but you special, man.
You reached out, and you touched a brother heart.
So I'm gonna give you some direction.
Gimme the map, Scott.
Gimme the map, Scott!
You know where Mir amax is at?
Mir amax? Ha ha ha!
Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob?
A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office
tells us that a posting was pulled off
an Internet movie chat board allegedly written
by the two domestic terrorists themselves.
It's sending a shockave through Hollywood.
Jules Asner is on the scene at Mir amax Studios. Jules?
Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today,
after the Federal Wildlife Marshal's office has learned
that hot new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob
have targeted Mir amax Studios
for their next campaign of blood, violence
and monkey theft.
In a posting pulled off of Moviepoopshoot.com,
the gruesome twosome threatened, and I quote.
"Once we get to Hollywood and find those Mir amax"
"expletive deleted- who are making"
"the "Blunt man and Chronic" movie"
"we're gonna make them eat our expletive deleted-"
"then expletive deleted out our"
"expletive deleted then eat their expletive deleted-"
"which is made up of our expletive deleted-"
"that we made them eat". Unquote.
So far we've been unable to get a statement
from anybody here at the studio.
But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?
None whatsoever
what Jay and Silent Bob even look like
so for all we know, they could already be on the lot.
Shit!
Ben Affleck and Matt Damon
are shooting a project on the lot.
Have you seen them roaming around?
No, Steve, but.
Fuck it.
OK.
He's got a pass. Let him in.
We gotta play this just right.
Hey! You don't have a pass!
Whoa!
I hate how fake Hollywood is.
Where do you think you're going?
Get off of me!
Don't.
Echo Base, I've got a 10-07,
two unauthorized on the lot, requesting backup.
I thought that was a 10-82.
No, sir, a 10-82 is disappearing a dead hooker
from Ben Affleck's trailer.
Ooh, that Affleck. Backup on the way.
Hey, I'll make you a deal.
This guy will suck your dick off if you let us go.
Heh. Contrary to what you believe
not everyone in the industry is a homosexual.
How about this deal?
He'll suck my dick while you watch and jerk off.
All right.
Make it fastand sexy.
It's either this or jail
and you know what they do to you in jail.
I was a guard.
All right.
And after it's all over, you say:
"Oh, what a lovely tea party".
What the fuck you waitin' for, bitch?
Start suckin'. Bong-ing!
Worth a shot.
Like a shot in your fuckin' mouth, you gay bitch.
Ew, dude, you were really gonna suck my dick.
All right, now, remember what I said.
Do not look at Ben or Matt directly in the eyes
or you will be fired.
Does everybody understand that?
Thank you.
You frosted your hair, though.
Yeah, I frosted my hair, but it looks good.
This has got to be the Blunt man flick.
There's those two fucks from the Mork movie.
Lips, teeth, tongue, or lion face?
Lion face. Ha!
Lemon face. Ooh.
Lion face. Ha!
Lemon face. Ooh.
Break it down. Where we taking it from, Gus?
Gus?
I'm busy.
You're a true artist, Gus.
Just take it from, "It's a good course".
What, you're the director now? Hey, shove it, "Bounce" boy.
Let's remember who talked who
into doing this shit in the first place.
I mean, talking me into "Dogma" is one thing, but this is.
Look, I'm sorry I dragged you away
from whatever gay serial killers
who ride horses and like to play golf
touchy-feely picture you're gonna do this week.
I take it you haven't seen "Forces of Nature".
You're like a child. What do I keep telling you?
You gotta do the safe picture, then you do the art picture.
Then sometimes you gotta do the payback picture
'cause your friend says you owe him.
Then sometimes you gotta go back to the well.
Yeah, and sometimes you do "Reindeer Games".
See, that's just mean.
All we gotta do is figure out how to get closer to 'em.
Get over OK, you, little kid, you're here.
Your buddy's right here.
Just stand there and react.
Don't say anything especially you.
All right, people!
That's pretty funny.
Lock it up, we're going for picture.
Make it happen, guys.
Get your fuckin' hands off me.
Fuck off, will you?
All right. On the count of three
we rush these fucks and beat the shit out of 'em
'cause if they're all fucked up
they can't make that movie, right?
Ready?
1, 2, 3!
"Good Will Hunting 2, Hunting Season",
scene 16, take 5.
Think about the pay-check. OK.
So, action, Gus, or
Jesus, Ben, I said I'm busy. Busy.
Yeah, I do remember the class,
but frankly, I found it rather elementary.
I remember that class.
It was just between recess and lunch.
Are we gonna have a problem again?
I was still just hoping you might be able
to give me a little insight into the Southern colonies!
See, Wood says.
What'd I say? What'd I tell you?
You'd be back in here regurgitating Gordon Wood.
But you forgot about Vickers.
No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting.
But you're no longer the angry, brilliant young mind
you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations.
No, you stopped hitting the books
with a vengeance, and now I've read shit
you haven't even heard about yet.
Face facts, my friend.
You're just no longer that good Will Hunting.
Now how do you like them apples?
I don't like the sound of them apples, Will.
What are we gonna do?
Chuckie? Yeah?
It's hunting season.
Apple sauce, bitch.
Sorry to interrupt, sirs
but we've got a 10-07 on our hands.
Ah, Jesus. Again, Ben?
No, bullshit!
'Cause I wasn't with a hooker today. Ha ha!
There they are!
Affleck, you da bomb in "Phantoms", yo!
Get 'em!
Watch it!
Aah!
All right, you bastard. Let's see who you really are.
Fucking Mir amax. Cut!
Shannen, usually I say cut.
A monkey, Wes?
I mean, Jesus, you guys aren't even trying anymore, are you?
What? The market research says people love monkeys.
We love this monkey!
Do somethin'.
See?
There they are. There they are.
There they go. There they go!
Punch it!
Fuck!
Those are some magical guys.
Ew, dude. I fuckin' knew it, man.
You love that shit, don't you?
Holy shit, that looked like it hurt.
A are you guys all right?
Let's get you guys on your feet. Come on.
Hey, wait a second.
Aren't you that guy that fucked the pie?
You see, man?
You see? It's never it's never.
"Hey, hey, you were in 'Loser', weren't you?"
Or "Dude, you rocked in 'Boys and Girls".'
No, it always comes back to that fuckin' pie.
I'm haunted by it! You put your dick in a pie.
Enough!
I'm Jason Biggs.
Yo, man, did you really get to third base
with that Russian chick like in the movie?
You mean Shannon? No.
Man, she is fuckin' fine.
If I was you, I would've been like.
You like that? You like that?
What, you never did one of these?
Wait, wait, none of that.
Oh, yeah.
Done plenty of that, my friend.
Holy shit, you're the Dawson.
James, actually. James Van Der Beek.
What's up with Pacey stealing Joey away from you?
If I was you, I would've drowned-Ed his ass
in the creek and shit.
You actually watch that show?
Yeah, for Joey, man. She is too fine.
Did you ever get to third base with her?
Actually, there was this one time.
Wait a minute. Who are you guys?
They're our stunt doubles, dumbass.
R-right? Of course.
Stunt doubles for what?
For the movie that we're shooting in about 15 minutes?
"Blunt man and Chronic Strike Back"?
Yeah, you're doubling me, obviously.
I'm playing Blunt man, a.k.a. Silent Bill.
Bob. Right.
And, uh, and and he's playing Chronic.
A.K.A. Ray. Jay. Fuck!
Biggs, you even read the script?
There's a script?
Listen to me you would last a day on the "Creek".
A day?
Wait a second. We'll be right back.
Fuck you and your "Dawson's" crap.
Go to hell, Pacey. Go to hell.
At least call me the right character.
These are the fucks that are playing us here.
You take 'em out biggety bamno movie.
Useless little ape.
What's with the weird gay huddle going on over there?
Let me put my arm over yours.
Gay? What's gay about it?
It's two guys talking in a corner, dude.
Yeah, but Why are you such a homophobe?
A homophobe?
You're always like, "Oh, that's gay, man".
"Oh, look at that gay huddle". "Look at that gay dog".
Dude, that is so gay. I.
Yeah, see?
I love gay people, OK? I'm sure you do.
Oh, look at the monkey!
You're gonna tell me the monkey's gay.
How do you know he doesn't smoke monkey pole, huh?
Look, he's so cute.
So cute!
Whoa!
All right, you go in there, start swinging.
Don't stop until these little young Hollywood fucks
are out of commission. Ready? Break.
That's one funky monkey.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, this is Security.
There are two intruders on the lot.
They crashed through a window we believe might be yours.
Uh, yeah, they're in here.
Do they have you held hostage?
Do you want us to call your publicists?
No, uh, we kicked those guys' asses bad.
Real bad!
Well, great job, sirs. If you'll let us in
we'll take over from here.
Um, no, me and Jason Biggs are naked in here butt naked.
Together.
Oh. OK.
Well, we'll wait out here till you clean up.
What are we gonna do? How are we gonna
get out of here without them fuckin' seeing us?
You've got the wrong guys! Doesn't anybody watch the WB?
I'm a teen idol, damn it! Don't you recognize me?
Look at me! I'm the pie fucker!
Yeah, well, in prison, he'll be the pie.
This was a good idea, Lunch Box.
In these outfits, we're totally incognito.
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek!
Great. Looks like you've changed costumes already.
Let's get you to the set.
The director doesn't like to be kept waiting, OK?
Silent Bob!
Look at all these crackers.
$70 million, I can't even get a black grip.
It's a shame. It's a damn shame.
Here's your coffee, sir.
You spit in this? I didn't spit in it, sir.
Any boogers in it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
You went to film school, didn't you?
Must piss you off to see a black man
running a big old production
like this, huh? You went to film school.
Does your daddy know that you give a nigger his coffee?
It would kill him, wouldn't it?
There's no boogers in it, sir.
Then taste it. Taste it!
Taste the booger flavour. I know it's in there.
It's all good, sir.
No, it ain't all good!
Now clean that shit up.
That's right. Get me a white boy.
Get me a blonde-hair white boy, so I can enjoy that shit.
You the man, sir.
No, you the man, and that's the problem.
Uh, Chaka?
Yeah. Hi, I'm Banky Edwards
the creator of "Blunt man and Chronic".
We met a few weeks back. I'm the executive producer.
Oh, you the executive producer!
Why don't you executive produce me a latte?
De-cracker-Nate it, OK, Fucky?
It's Banky. No, it is Fucky.
I wanted you to know that I respect your work as an artist.
I'm something of an artist myself.
I I was the inker on the comic book.
Yeah, man, you a tracer, OK?
Nobody else got the heart to tell you.
You trace. You go around the lines.
You are a tracer, OK?
You think Fat Albert had a tracer? No!
Bill Cosby did the whole thing with a ruler
and it was excellent!
Crack-crack-cracker? Crack?
Uh, Biggs and Van Der Beek are on the set, Chaka.
Well, I don't see 'em!
Where are the stars of this piece of shit?
Damn, this must've set 'em back a couple hundred bucks.
Get out of my way, man.
What the fuck is that?
Look at this. A gay hood ornament
and "The Colour Purple".
Who the fuck are you?
Who the fuck am I? I'm the director!
Chaka Luther King, that's who the fuck I am.
No, wait a second.
I thought Banky and Holden created this shit.
And I'm stealin' it.
I'm takin' it back for the black man
to make up for all the shit
that you mother fuckers are takin' from us.
Do you know that I came up with the idea for "Sesame Street"?
I came up with it before PBS.
The white man stole it. That's right.
I was gonna call it "N.W.P".
"Niggas With Puppets". Catchy, ain't it?
All right, enough of this small talk.
Let's shoot. Wait a sec.
Aren't you gonna direct us?
Man, I will direct you to the unemployment line
if you don't stop back talking me, OK, cracker?
We don't know what we're doing. We didn't read the script.
Hey, it ain't that hard, man.
I film the mother-fucker, right? Then I yell "Cut".
Then I run the fuck out of here
go to my trailer, 'cause I got more white girls in there
than the first lifeboat on the Titanic
and they all want a part in my movie
and I got just the part for 'em.
So you ready to do this?
All right! Let's roll with the new.
All right, quiet on the set, everyone.
Quiet on the set! Picture's up!
I got you new coffee, sir booger-free.
Get that shit the fuck out of here.
You guys look pretty badass.
"Blunt man and Chronic Strike Back"
scene 37, take one.
What are we waiting for? Action!
Umsnootchie bootchies?
What the fuck?
You thought I'd never find
your precious Blunt-cave, did you, Hemp knight?
But now you and your sidekick are finally in the grasp
of Cock-Knocker!
Why do they call you Cock-Knocker?
Actually, there's a funny story behind that.
You're gonna love this. True story.
Avenge me Hemp knight.
I think George Lucas gonna sue somebody.
Any last words before I bust your balls, Blunt man?
Dance, pie-fucker!
Damn, these white boys can't fight.
Don't fuck with a Jedi Master, son.
Yo, bitch fist!
Call me Darth Balls. Bong!
Good Lord.
Hey, that wasn't in the script.
So this is Hollywood?
Well, then lights, camera, action, Jay and Silent Bob.
Freeze, you terrorist sons of bitches!
My God!
Oh! Oh, my God.
Oh. Uh, sorry, everyone.
That was supposed to be a warning shot.
I'm obviously on the wrong set.
Um, is he gonna be OK?
Not good.
You are not upstaging me, Van Der Beek.
Man, this movie's gonna make "House Party"
look like "House Party 2".
Or "House Party 3".
Shut the fuck up. Yes, sir.
Chaka! Call off Dawson, will you?
Chaka!
Can I get a cut here?
Not again.
Now whose balls have been busted, bitch?
All right, that's it. I am out of here.
Chaka, I'll be in my trailer.
What the fuck?!
C.L.I.T. stops here, Jay and Silent Bob!
Another white boy in this movie? Damn!
Federal Wildlife Marshal. Everyone stay cool.
Go back to making your adult movie.
These men are the leaders of a terrorist organization
wanted for the abduction of a little monkey.
They didn't really steal that monkey.
It was just a diversion so that we could steal these.
And they're not the leaders of the C.L.I.T.
The C.L.I.T. is not real.
No, no, no. No, the C.L.I.T.'s real.
The C.L.I.T.'s real all right.
It's the female orgasm that's the myth.
You know what I'm talking about?
Are you guys all right?
I thought you blew up, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck.
You remembered!
Oh, it was a frame-up, Jay.
Missy, Sissy, Chrissy, and I are international jewel thieves.
We were setting you up to be a patsy
but I couldn't go through with it because I
because I love you.
Yeah? That means you're gonna fuck me, right?
Of course.
If she does, it'll be considered necrophilia
because she's gonna be one dead bitch.
Hi, Jussy. We catch you at a bad time?
You should have just let these guys go down, Jussy.
I wanted to go down, but this angel
popped on my shoulder and was, like, "Listen".
And I was, like, "What's up?"
Shut the fuck up before I shoot you
where you stand in your pansy red booties.
Holy shit, I am wearing pansy red booties.
Why the fuck didn't you tell me?
Let's have those diamonds, Justice.
I can't do that, Sissy.
Then lover boy gets one in the fucking brain.
Yo, lovely ladies!
Would any of y'all like a private audition
to be in my movie?
Bring that ass over. Come on!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Oh, fuck me!
Crazy crackers with guns?
Time for me to get my black ass out of here.
You really let me down, Justice. Throwing it all away
for a little stoner with bad pronunciation.
What's it gonna be, Sissy?
Which fighting style do you want me to kick your ass in?
Are you kidding me?
I taught you all your moves myself.
There's no style you can bust that I can't defend against.
You're no match for my Shao Lin Monk.
Yeah, but I'll bury you with my Crouching Tiger.
A little Venus Fly trap? I'll counter with Dragon Queen.
How about a little "Bitch, My Man Ain't Your Baby's Daddy?"
Bring it on.
Aah!
Fucking stupid bitch!
Yo, I hope one rips off the other one's shirt
and we see some fuckin' titties
floppin' around and shit in the air. Yeah!
Mr. Biggs, Mr. Van Der Beek, I just wanted to say hi. I'm.
Banky fuckin' Edwards!
Just the mother-fucker we came to see!
Holy shit! What the fuck are you guys doing here?
Why the hell are you shooting at me?
Two reasons.
One we're walkin', talkin' bad-girl cliches!
And two because you're a man!
Only on the outside.
Stop the movie? Are you crazy?
All these ass holes on the Internet are calling us names
because of this fucking stupid movie.
That's what the Internet's for slandering others anonymously.
Stopping the flick isn't gonna stop that!
This isn't fair!
We came to Hollywood, I fell in love.
Fuckin' we stole a monkey, we got shot at
and I got punched in the motherfuckin' nuts
by a guy named Cock-Knocker!
You know what? I feel for you boys, I really do.
But Mir amax you know, Mir amax Films
paid me a shit load of money for "Blunt man and Chronic"
so it occurs to me that people bad-mouthing you
on some website is none of my fucking concern!
Oh, but I think it is.
We had a deal with you on the comics, remember
for likeness rights
and as we're not only the artistic basis,
but also, obviously, the character basis
for your intellectual property, "Blunt man and Chronic",
when said property was optioned by Mir amax Films,
you were legally obliged to secure our permission
to transfer the concept to another medium.
As you failed to do that, Banky,
you are in breach of the original contract,
'ergo', you find yourself in a very actionable position.
Yeah.
You guys are gonna ruin my movie career.
Well, we want something for our mental anguish.
Tell you what we'll settle this monetarily.
I'll give you half of what I make.
Half? Half's not good enough? Fine.
I'll give you two-thirds of what I make.
Fuck you. You already said half.
You can't take it back.
Done.
Your shit is so tired, Justice.
Call me Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck bitch.
Hello?
Truce?
I think I killed both of them.
I am an excellent marksman. I've always.
Oh God.
Come on, you guys. It's over.
You all right, Boo-Boo Kitty-Fuck?
I was just about to jump in and fuckin' get your back.
Holy shit, the cops. We gotta get out of here.
No, no, no. I'm tired of running.
Oh, Marshal. Hey, you awake?
Wake up, Marshal.
Oh. Are you OK?
Oh, my God, I'm paralysed!
That monkey shot me in the ass and paralysed me!
Oh, sweet irony!
You're not paralysed. It was just a tranquillizer.
Oh, Jesus! Ow!
Tranked by a little monkey!
My friends in the Bureau
are never gonna let me hear the end of this.
You have friends in the FBI?
Uh-huh. They all made it in, but I failed the exam.
Why the hell else do you think I became
a Federal Wildlife Marshal?
I'll tell you why! Because I'm a joke!
Maybe not.
I can make you a deal that will get you into the FBI
regardless of test scores.
What kind of deal?
You get the charges dropped against Jay and Silent Bob
and say you never found the ape.
In exchange, I will give you the diamonds we stole
and turn in Missy, Chrissy, Sissy, and myself.
But I want a reduced sentence.
You'd be willing to do that?
For him, I'd be willing to do anything.
I'm an international jewel thief who's facing a jail sentence.
That's all right. I'm a junkie with a monkey.
If I go to prison, will you wait for me?
I don't know.
Will you fuck me when you get out?
Don't change the subject. Will we fuck when you get out?
Snoogans.
Wow, there's a lot of love in the room.
Regardless of what you may have heard
I do not kiss guys.
OK. Play it cool, hotshot.
Sorry, Justice. We gotta go.
Hey, stop stealing monkeys.
Fuck you. Fair enough.
Wait for me.
What, here?
Well, boys, you're rich, in love.
Well, you're in love.
To top it off, you got your own monkey.
What more could two guys from Jersey possibly want?
Well, to have these fucks stop talking shit about us
on the Internet for starters.
What have I been telling you?
There's not much you can do to stop that.
Well, short of showing up at all their houses
and beating the shit out of them, I guess.
You know, with all the money we're making, man,
we could buy a lot of plane tickets.
"How many people want to kick some ass."
Yeah?
Do you post as "Magnolia Fan" on Moviepoopshoot.com?
Yeah.
Did you write "Fuck Jay and Silent Bob".
"Fuck them and their stupid asses"?
Yeah. A while ago. So?
"How many people want to kick some ass"
"I do, I do."
"And how many people are sick of holding it back"
"I want."
On Moviepoopshoot.com
did you say Jay and Silent Bob are
quote "fucking clown shoes, and if they were real"
"I'd kick the shit out of them for being so stupid"?
Yeah. Really?
"How many people are sick of holding it back"
"I am, I am."
"How many people want to kick some ass."
"What you gonna do."
"When you're sick of holding it back."
That's right. That's it.
Right. That's right.
That's right.
That's right. Right.
Right.
"I think I'll kick some ass."
"How many people want to kick some ass"
"I would if I could."
"But I'm really just a sensitive artist"
"I'm really just a sensitive artist."
That's beautiful, man.
Now that was worse than "Clash of the Titans".
I can't believe Judi Dench played me.
Heh. Remind me to renew that restraining order.
Why?
'Cause I'm gonna blast that flick on the Internet tonight.
Why can't Hollywood ever make a decent comic book movie?
Tell 'em, Steve-Dave. Would you stop saying that?
Well that was just another paean to male adolescence
and its refusal to grow up.
Yeah, sis, but it was better than "Mall rats".
At least Holden had the good sense
to keep his name off of it.
Why wouldn't Mir amax option his other comic instead
the one with you and him and your "relationship"?
What, "Chasing Amy"? That'd never work as a movie.
But
I'm so fucking embarrassed.
Well, honey, you should be.
Took your characters and turned them
into one 90-minute-long gay joke.
It's like watching "Batman and Robin" again.
Thanks. That means a lot coming from the guy
who pretends to be Shaft
as opposed to the guy who takes shaft.
Uh-uh. I don't hear you complaining nightly.
I don't get out to the movies much,
but I just have to say "Blunt man and Chronic"
was blunt-tastic.
Are these leg cuffs really necessary?
Don't make me shoot you, Justice.
Yo!
The party's across the street,
featuring the greatest band in the world!
Morris Day and the Time!
♪ "I" ♪
♪ "I've been watching you" ♪
♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪
♪ "Know you" ♪
♪ "I said, I" ♪
♪ "I'm a little dangerous." ♪
♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪
♪ "Show you." ♪
♪ "My jungle love." ♪
♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪
♪ "Jungle love." ♪
♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪
♪ "Show you." ♪
♪ "Wait a minute." ♪
♪ "You." ♪
♪ "You got a pretty car" ♪
♪ "I think I want to drive it." ♪
♪ "Drive it" ♪
♪ "I ain't playin', baby" ♪
♪ "I said, I." ♪
♪ "Drive a little dangerous" ♪
♪ "I'll take you to the crib, ♪ ♪ rip you off." ♪
♪ "Jungle love, look out." ♪
♪ "I think I want to know you." ♪
♪ "Ohh, Jungle love." ♪
♪ "Girl, I'd love to show you." ♪
♪ "Oh, wait a minute." ♪
♪ "Jerome" "Morris?" ♪
♪ "I think we need ♪ ♪ to funk them up again." ♪
♪ "All right, ♪ ♪ we'll turn that shit around." ♪
♪ "Yes, good call." ♪
♪ And I'll be, like. ♪
♪ What, you don't know ♪ ♪ fuckin' Jay and Silent Bob? ♪
♪ The fuckin' mack daddys ♪ ♪ of fuckin' Jersey? ♪
♪ And she'll be, like, "Oh, ♪ ♪ I've read on the Internet" ♪
♪ "that youse guys are ♪ ♪ a couple of little fuck holes." ♪
♪ "Yeah, I got a bearskin rug, ♪ ♪ y'all sing it." ♪
♪ "I got a fireplace, ♪ ♪ yo, I can't hear ta." ♪
♪ "Well, I'm all the way ♪ ♪ live L.A." ♪
♪ "Oh, the things I can do to you." ♪
♪ "Play it." ♪
♪ "It's like I don't care ♪ ♪ about nothin', man." ♪
♪ "Roll another blunt." ♪
♪ "I was gonna clean my room." ♪
♪ "Until I got high" ♪
♪ "I was gonna get up ♪ ♪ and find the broom." ♪
♪ "But then I got high." ♪
♪ "My room is still messed up, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I was gonna go to class." ♪
♪ "Before I got high." ♪
♪ "Come on, y'all, check it out" ♪
♪ "I could a cheated, ♪ ♪ and I could a passed." ♪
♪ "But I got high" ♪
♪ "I'm taking it next semester, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high, ♪ ♪ because I got high." ♪
♪ "Go to the next one" ♪
♪ "I was gonna go to work." ♪
♪ "But then I got high." ♪
♪ "I just got a new promotion." ♪
♪ "But I got high." ♪
♪ "Now I'm selling dope, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I was gonna go to court." ♪
♪ "Before I got high" ♪
♪ "I was gonna pay ♪ ♪ my child support." ♪
♪ "But then I got high." ♪
♪ "No, you wasn't." ♪
♪ "They took my whole pay-check, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I wasn't gonna run ♪ ♪ from the cops." ♪
♪ "But I was high" ♪
♪ "I'm serious, man" ♪
♪ "I was gonna pull ♪ ♪ right over and stop." ♪
♪ "But I was high." ♪
♪ "Now I'm a paraplegic, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I was gonna pay my car note." ♪
♪ "Until I got high." ♪
♪ "Say what, say what" ♪
♪ "I wasn't gonna gamble ♪ ♪ on the boat." ♪
♪ "But then I got high." ♪
♪ "Now the tow truck's ♪ ♪ pulling away, and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I was gonna make love to you." ♪
♪ "But then I got high" ♪
♪ "I'm serious" ♪
♪ "I was gonna eat yo pussy, too." ♪
♪ "But then I got high." ♪
♪ "Now I'm jacking off, ♪ ♪ and I know why." ♪
♪ "Turn the shit off." ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Keep going." ♪
♪ "Hey, do that over, man." ♪
♪ "I messed up my entire life." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "Go, go, go" ♪
♪ "I lost my kids and wife." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "Say what, say what." ♪
♪ "Now I'm sleeping on ♪ ♪ the side walk, and I know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I got high." ♪
♪ "Because I got high." ♪
♪ "I'm gonna stop ♪ ♪ singing this song." ♪
♪ "Because I'm high." ♪
♪ "Present tense" ♪
♪ "I'm singing ♪ ♪ this whole thing wrong." ♪
♪ "Because I'm high." ♪
♪ "And if I don't sell one copy ♪ ♪ I'll know why." ♪
♪ "Why, man?" ♪
♪ "Yeah, 'cause I'm high" ♪
♪ "'Cause I'm high." ♪
♪ "Are you really high now, man?" ♪
♪ "He really is high, man." ♪
♪ "Get jiggy with it." ♪
♪ "Oh, bring it back, ♪ ♪ bring it back, bring it back." ♪
♪ "Say what, say what, oh" ♪
♪ "'Cause I'm high." ♪
♪ "Yo, my name is Afroman, ♪ ♪ and I'm from East Palmdale." ♪
♪ "And all the weed I be smokin' ♪ ♪ is farmer's hay." ♪
♪ "Excellent delivery" ♪
♪ "I don't believe in Hitler, ♪ ♪ that's what I said." ♪
♪ "Oh, my goodness." ♪
♪ "So all of you skins." ♪
♪ "Skins?" ♪
♪ "Please give me more head." ♪
♪ "Mother-fuck, ha ha." ♪
♪ "Afro-motherfuckin 'M-A-N." ♪
♪ "M-A-N" ♪
♪ "Yeah, yeah, yeah." ♪
♪ "Unh, unh." ♪
♪ "A-E-I-O-U" ♪
♪ "And sometimes W." ♪
♪ "We ain't gonna sell none of ♪ ♪ these motherfuckin' albums." ♪
♪ "Let's go back and hang ♪ ♪ some more chickens, cuz." ♪
♪ "Fuck it." ♪
♪ "Fuck the corporate world, ♪ ♪ biatch!" ♪
Snoogans.
What the heck is that?
What the fuck do you think it means?
It means I'm kiddin'.